Deep Thoughts

John hit me with a very serious conversation out of the blue.

He began with: Dad, I always wanted to be what you expected, but I don't feel that I am.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

The first thing that is most important to me is how I look.

The second thing that is most important to me is knowing lots of things that other people don't know, and they wouldn't know that I know unless they asked me.

"Well, John, you look great so you don't have to worry about that. And you do know lots of things, so I don't think you'll have a problem there." (Let's save the "looks aren't important" discussion for later, I think.)

He smiled and continued, "The third thing is that lots of things make me sad that don't make other people sad."

I said, "How do you feel about that? Do you wish you weren't sad about those things, or do you wish other people understood why you were sad about those thing?"

He said, "I wish I weren't sad about so many things."

"I wish there were more things that made other people sad than there were that made me sad."

(This is classic autism and the launching point for a whole discussion on the nature of autism and grief. Once folks understand that a big part of the emotional makeup of the autistic person is grief and loss, then all that psychology has to say about grief and loss becomes applicable to dealing with autism...)

He said, "And the fourth thing is that sometimes people think I'm mad when I'm not."

And I said, "You know what?" My hand on his chin, raising his gaze to mine. "I have the same problem. That's something that I have to work at."

Carolyn said, "Sometimes people think your dad is mad when he's excited, and they get mad at him."

And I said, "That's something that I have had to work on in my own life. You and I can work on that together."

He smiled.

He said, "And the last thing is that I wish I could be normal, but I'm not. I don't want to be unique."

I said, "It's okay to be unique. And it's also okay to want to fit in."

He said, "I want to fit in but I feel that I don't"

I said, "Well, we can help you with that, and you can learn how to fit in."

And he said, "Good."